Wednesday
Sep252013

I'm Out. (Or, Rather, In?)

Wednesday
Nov022011

World's Worst OkCupid Message

Since my recent breakup, my online dating escapades have resumed and I've been attacked by streams of dissappointing men. And while it usually takes at least one terrible date to be featured on INOTL, this fellow earned his spot with just one message. Before reading his well thought out note, I did a once over of his profile. Could a man who used the following phrase be my next boyfriend: "I absolutely love cats!!!! They are the 4-legged version of a female to me...meeooow :)" Yikes! What in God's name are you doing with those cats?!

And could my potential new boyfriend be a guy who listed that he is good at "giving up his seat for the elderly" and "cunnulingus"...it's a language he apparently speaks fluently, "bowling" and "tetris". The juxtaposition of these items are just too much for me to handle. And at this point I'm guessing he's never actually seen a woman naked, but I push on through his profile and make it back to the note he has sent me. 

Here, for your reading pleasure, is his note (in gray) with my commentary (not gray)...

Hey there! I wanted to meet you via okcupid on my iPod touch 4. [Am I supposed to be impressed that you have an iPod Touch 4? For the record, I'm not.] I won't take up much of your time and I hope this message finds you well. You have probably been hit with one liners that says..."hey sexy", "Sup baby!!" or "damn u r hawt". [In fact, I have been hit with such eloquent one liners. And thank you for simutaneously hitting me with three at one time and not saying one at all] That's not going to happen here. I wanted to be original and be the first to try something new from the normal and yet annoying messages you probably receive on a regular basis. I wanted to write you an appropriate message and hope you appreciate it! I looked through your profile and it has piqued my interest and I’d like to know more about you. You like The Animal Collective?!?! Wow nice! I only have their Strawberry Jam Album and the song that I keep playing is "peacebone". Such an addictive song and even more addictive yet very wired video. [I appreciate you Googling the band and mentioning the first video that appears on YouTube. Noted, you know how to peruse the Interwebs.]

Now for the "sit-down-I-have-to-tell-you-something..."part of this message. [HALLELUJAH, a man who wants to be open] While you are attractive [Thank you, but I hear a but coming] I do have to be honest with you on 2 things: 

1) The fact that you reply "selectively" made me even more apprehensive in messaging you. So I’m not expecting you to reply back to me. Maybe you will surprise me. [What, is there a problem with knowing what I want? After a comment like that I probably won't be responding, but I'll at least entertain the rest of your message. Maybe YOU'LL surprise ME...]

2) Currently I'm not looking to jump into anything serious as of yet. I would love to have a long-term relationship of ongoing casual sex with you. [Wait, I'm going to have to read that again. "a long-term relationship of ongoing casual sex." So you want to have a committed, uncommitted sexual relationship with me. You're kidding right? I mean, and to follow in your counting footsteps: 1. You've never met me and 2. has this ever worked for you before? What a knob!] I know you are not looking for that but I just wanted to be upfront with you. [Oh, well at least you're acknowledging that a "long-term relationship of ongoing casual sex" was not my checked off box of what I'm looking for on this site. That makes everything okay, right? WRONG!]

Okay now that I got it out in the open and you know where I'm coming from. I hope this message at least put a smile on your face and I didn't scare you away. [No worries it didn't scare me, but it did earn you a place on our blog! Welcome to the start of your 15 minutes of online fame!] Let's chat, meet up and see where things go. [Not a chance buckeroo] Have a good one. [No, YOU have a good one.]

Think you have a message that can top this one? Send us your creepy messages.

Wednesday
Oct052011

If your favorite team is playing in the NLDS, perhaps you shouldn't have scheduled our first date during the game. Shouting, clapping, and high-fiving strangers does not a meaningful connection make.

Tuesday
Aug092011

Hooking-up: Sometimes it's more like masturbating using another human as a prop.

Monday
Jul182011

When dating, the amount I like you is directly proportional to the amount of time I make you wait before I sleep with you.

Tuesday
Jul052011

Life lessons: Just because he's drinking a beer, doesn't mean he's over 21.

Thursday
Jun302011

Whimsy Sucks

Or, reasons online dating profiles gives me hives. Or, why I judge your personality based on the width of your shoulders. Or, no, I didn't read FreedomANovelByJonathanFranzen.

Friend of INTOL, Julianne Smolinski, known to the internet as @boobsradley, wrote her second piece for GQ (ohhaycongratsandstuffgirl!) in her "Don't Be The Worst" series. She had us in stitches (laughing) and stitches (self-inflicted wounds) because every word she says is hilariously -- and depressingly -- true.

We finally, thankfully, are reaching a point where fewer men seem to be confusing having a personality with having a moustache.

I could quote the whole thing, but that would take all the fun out of you clicking below to read it all. And then keep reading everything else she posts on the internet. Ever.

(Don't be the Worst: The Fight Against Whimsy)

Thursday
Jun302011

Anyone else lacking the gene that predisposes outrageous excitement in the presence of babies and puppies?

Monday
Jun132011

Being single means never having to make the other half of your queen-sized bed.

Tuesday
Jun072011

The Ones That Got Away

We've all been on one end of this scenario or the other: Boy meets girl. Boy takes girl out. Boy never calls again. Cut to hours, days, weeks of wondering WHYYYYYY? It's a slippery slope that can really drive a girl out of her mind with neurosis.

I've come up with the Top 5 Reasons Your Date Didn't Call, based on my own experiences as both the rejector and the rejectee.

1. He Just Wanted Sex. And You Didn't Offer it Up Fast Enough.

Some dudes use dating sites as the ice-fishing hole to the chilly lake of the desperate and horny ladyfish. As one of my exes so eloquently put it: "I could go on OkCupid and clean up." While I was slightly grossed out by his... what shall we call it... industrious spirit, I realized that this is the approach of So Many Dudes. Even though his profile says that he's seeking a "relationship" or he's chatting you up in the bar about how much he loves spending time with his nephews,

remember Dr. House: EVERYBODY LIES.

He didn't get what he wanted in enough time, so he moved on to the next one.

2. He Just Wanted Sex. And He Got It.

I have totally had the pants -- and logic -- charmed right off of me. (Seriously. His nephew was really cute.) As I tumble into bed with these Mr. Smooths (EVERYBODY LIES!), my thought process is usually something like, "He'll still totally respect me in the morning, right?" Ehh... not always so much. Frenetic first date boinking does not a relationship foundation make.*

*Though there are exceptions to the rule, ain't there, CECILE? ;)

3. That Embarrassing/Offensive Thing That Happened? It Was As Bad As You/He Thought.

Maybe you accidentally insulted the noble profession of bus driving (his mom's life-long career) or maybe when you came back from the bathroom with your skirt tucked into your underwear he failed to find it rom-com charming. Maybe he doesn't like the fact you write a dating blog! Do we say, "Oops? My bad?" NO! HIS LOSS! (See: Cecile's curbside tumble) I once had a date trip while carrying our two beers back from the bar, thus soaking a portion of his shirt. I was totally willing to laugh it off and pay for the next round, but he just couldn't get over it. It totally messed with his chi and he could barely carry on a conversation long after the suds had dried. He was all angry and dristracted, revealing a total lack of self-confidence and ability to roll with the punches. "That Embarrassing/Offensive Thing" can be about the accident itself, but it can be even more about whether or not you can take it all in stride. (Yes, I totally radio-silenced The Tripper after that date.)

4. He Met Someone Else/Got Back With His Ex/Switched Teams/Moved to Bahrain.

When you simply can't pinpoint any particular reason for the lack of date #2, I like to engage in some healthy fantasizing of possible scenarios that remove all blame from myself. While the reality of the situation may not be even remotely as elaborate as some of the post-first-date melodramas I've conjured (comas, blimp accidents, federal investigations) there may actually be things out of his (and your!) control that resulted in a no call, no show. When my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, I completely fell off the radar with a dude I'd been dating, no explanation. How do you call someone you've only been seeing for a little while and say, "Hey, you interested in supporting me through my mom's cancer treatments?" Exactly. I cut and run.

5. He's Just Not That Into You.

Yeah, yeah, F U, Ginnifer Goodwin and your stealing of my name and your effortless shashaying into a happy ending where he is just that into you. (Justin Long, call me.) But this is probably The Most Common Reason why he never called. There wasn't a connection. You're not what he's looking for. Something didn't click. He's just not interested. I am still working on being able to swallow this excuse -- because who wouldn't be into me, DUH -- but it's probably the simplest and most realistic explanation. The main reason I don't call a guy back is because I'm just not attracted to him. So chasing him around or waiting for his call is probably not the most effective use of your time.

Sometimes you just need a little closure, and its hard when the other person can't provide it for you. But that's where your girlfriends, some cosmos, a dartboard, and a picture of his sorry face come in... AMIRIGHT, LADIES???

Monday
Jun062011

I checked my Facebook feed this morning and was convinced I had logged in to someone else's account. Then I remembered: It's wedding season and everyone is changing their last names.

Monday
May302011

He's Not Santa, Ladies. Get Off His Lap.

I just recently upgraded to an iPhone (which means I'm going to have more sex, according to these encouraging statistics!), but LUCKY FOR YOU I saved some stalker celly pics of gross couples doing gross couple things from my old phone! All Coupled! pics, going forward, shall be in Hipstamatic format only. Think how much better these'll look with tilt shift, y'all!

(Clearly, the above couple hadn't read our open letter.)

This particular Public Service Announcement is part of our continued efforts to raise awareness about the egregious couples-on-single-bystanders hate crimes going on every day. Be a part of the solution, not the problem, America.

Thursday
May262011

I really, really hate paying for all of my meals and drinks myself.

Wednesday
May252011

Do guys really hate red lipstick that much?

Monday
May162011

Nude Body Suit as Therapy

First of all, a big congrats to the awesome ladies of xo Jane for their launch. HOORAY!!

We got a huge kick out of Liz's experimentation with a nude body suit. Girl, you are smokin' hot, but you wouldn't catch me dead in that thing!

While getting constantly ogled and cat-called, Liz had a realization that really hit home for me:

This is what I do in life when it comes to me as a physical being: I block out the attention, and then tell myself that no one ever notices me, that I'm alone.

YOU NAILED IT, LIZ. Why is it so much easier to believe the negative things we say to ourselves instead of the crazy homeless guy who's willing to sell his last cigarette for another look at our sweet asses?

Our asses ARE that sweet! That still does not mean, however, that I will be showcasing it in a onesie any time soon.

Tuesday
Mar012011

The Pitfalls of Being a Ladybro

No one tells you HOW EASY IT IS TO HAVE SEX WITH GUYS. HOT guys. They are SO down. Almost ALL THE TIME. On WEEKDAYS, even.

So here's your update, ladies, in case no one told you, either: IT. IS. SO. EASY. Here's another update, though: PROCEED WITH CAUTION. I can Julia-Roberts-in-Pretty-Woman-no-kissing-on-the-mouth compartmentalize all I want, but I am SUCH a girl. Such a wussy, wussy girly-girl.

Don't disappear so far down the hookup rabbit hole that you forget what it's like to lead with something other than your vagina.

You guyssssss, I want to be a stone cold bitch SO BAD, but my hard candy coating of cynicism, comical misandry, and a devil-may-care attitude is slowly melting to reveal a sappy, hopelessly romantic nougat center.

And there ain't nothing like wrecking a friendship or the fear of a great guy becoming a one night stand because you done gone and led with your vagina. Believe me.

This is the major pitfall of being a ladybro: I am not, in actuality, wired like a dude. Can you believe that no one told me that either?

Thursday
Feb242011

Anyone else suddenly realizing that bangs result in the worst mid- and post-coital hairdos?

Thursday
Feb172011

Overheard in Bed

Yes ma'am.

Tuesday
Feb152011

Overheard in Bed

If your boobs were smaller, you'd look thinner.

Monday
Feb142011

Offer Not Valid Until After Feb 14th

There are a lot of reasons to hate on Valentine's Day when you're a single lady. Zales commercials, flower deliveries to your co-workers, crepe paper decorations, ICK. I'm evolved enough that none of it makes me want to weep/throw things/kick puppies anymore, but it still manages to be a MAJOR inconvenience to my general getting-in-in-ness during the month of February. And this is for the following reason: The Valentine's Day Blackout Dates.

No, no, I'm not talking about when you and your single girlfriends get obliterated off champagne cocktails in your pajamas because you can't find a restaurant that isn't serving a "menu for two".

The Valentine's Day Blackout Dates are the days leading up to and including Valentine's Day, during which any already established couple may or may not be observing the holiday in bars, restaurants, movie theaters, parks, street corners, or your local donut shoppe.

I completely avoid making any plans with the opposite sex for drinks, dinner, or sex during the Valentine's Day Blackout Dates.

For example, The Valentine's Day Blackout Dates for 2011 began at sundown on February 9th and will end at sunrise of February 15th because most couples will celebrate a Monday holiday over the weekend. However, there are trickier years, like when Valentine's Day falls on a Wednesday - like it will in 2018, WATCH OUT - because couples may choose to celebrate the weekend BEFORE the Wednesday holiday OR the weekend AFTER. That means you are blacked out from the Friday the 9th through Sunday the 18th. (Harsh.)

Want to ask out that hot junior designer at the office for get-to-know-you beers? GOTTA WAIT 'TIL AFTER THE BLACKOUT. Been sleeping with a guy and thinking about making another booty call? GOTTA WAIT 'TIL AFTER THE BLACKOUT.

You may think I'm completely overreacting, but I've just learned my lesson over the years. Valentine's Day is either for you and your boyfriend -- or you and your girlfriends. Anything that's inbetween is simply a lightning rod for awkwardness.

If you are crazy enough to make plans during The Blackout, he's thinking, "Does she thinks this means something?" And you're thinking, "Does he think that I think this means something?" And then you end up spending the entire night talking about how you hate children, marriage, and relationships in hopes it makes him more comfortable about the hearts and doilies all over the place. It usually works to assure him that you're not trying to marry him tomorrow, but he may also end up thinking you're a sociopath.

My thoughts: If he's worth it, he's worth the wait until you're safely on the other side of V-Day.