Since my recent breakup, my online dating escapades have resumed and I've been attacked by streams of dissappointing men. And while it usually takes at least one terrible date to be featured on INOTL, this fellow earned his spot with just one message. Before reading his well thought out note, I did a once over of his profile. Could a man who used the following phrase be my next boyfriend: "I absolutely love cats!!!! They are the 4-legged version of a female to me...meeooow :)" Yikes! What in God's name are you doing with those cats?!
And could my potential new boyfriend be a guy who listed that he is good at "giving up his seat for the elderly" and "cunnulingus"...it's a language he apparently speaks fluently, "bowling" and "tetris". The juxtaposition of these items are just too much for me to handle. And at this point I'm guessing he's never actually seen a woman naked, but I push on through his profile and make it back to the note he has sent me.
Here, for your reading pleasure, is his note (in gray) with my commentary (not gray)...
Hey there! I wanted to meet you via okcupid on my iPod touch 4. [Am I supposed to be impressed that you have an iPod Touch 4? For the record, I'm not.] I won't take up much of your time and I hope this message finds you well. You have probably been hit with one liners that says..."hey sexy", "Sup baby!!" or "damn u r hawt". [In fact, I have been hit with such eloquent one liners. And thank you for simutaneously hitting me with three at one time and not saying one at all] That's not going to happen here. I wanted to be original and be the first to try something new from the normal and yet annoying messages you probably receive on a regular basis. I wanted to write you an appropriate message and hope you appreciate it! I looked through your profile and it has piqued my interest and I’d like to know more about you. You like The Animal Collective?!?! Wow nice! I only have their Strawberry Jam Album and the song that I keep playing is "peacebone". Such an addictive song and even more addictive yet very wired video. [I appreciate you Googling the band and mentioning the first video that appears on YouTube. Noted, you know how to peruse the Interwebs.]
Now for the "sit-down-I-have-to-tell-you-something..."part of this message. [HALLELUJAH, a man who wants to be open] While you are attractive [Thank you, but I hear a but coming] I do have to be honest with you on 2 things:
1) The fact that you reply "selectively" made me even more apprehensive in messaging you. So I’m not expecting you to reply back to me. Maybe you will surprise me. [What, is there a problem with knowing what I want? After a comment like that I probably won't be responding, but I'll at least entertain the rest of your message. Maybe YOU'LL surprise ME...]
2) Currently I'm not looking to jump into anything serious as of yet. I would love to have a long-term relationship of ongoing casual sex with you. [Wait, I'm going to have to read that again. "a long-term relationship of ongoing casual sex." So you want to have a committed, uncommitted sexual relationship with me. You're kidding right? I mean, and to follow in your counting footsteps: 1. You've never met me and 2. has this ever worked for you before? What a knob!] I know you are not looking for that but I just wanted to be upfront with you. [Oh, well at least you're acknowledging that a "long-term relationship of ongoing casual sex" was not my checked off box of what I'm looking for on this site. That makes everything okay, right? WRONG!]
Okay now that I got it out in the open and you know where I'm coming from. I hope this message at least put a smile on your face and I didn't scare you away. [No worries it didn't scare me, but it did earn you a place on our blog! Welcome to the start of your 15 minutes of online fame!] Let's chat, meet up and see where things go. [Not a chance buckeroo] Have a good one. [No, YOU have a good one.]
Think you have a message that can top this one? Send us your creepy messages.